Friday, August 9, 2013

What if...

...she tells you she doesn't love you anymore?
Maybe for the first few seconds you don’t believe her and you start laughing, you think that she would never be brave enough to leave. But it happened, and now she wants to break-up.
You take a step back. “Very well”, you say, “…if you want to break up, we’ll break up.” And you continue: I am not even the guy for you, I was with you only to pass time"… lying to her and lying to yourself. At this point your only purpose is to attack her, without realising that if what you just said was actually true, it would mean that you’re the biggest idiot for wasting your time with someone you never even loved. And you suddenly leave, thinking that by doing so; you’ll break her into pieces. You turn around without looking back, just so you won’t have the picture of this moment painted on your mind.
You start going out there, wanting to look cheerful as if nothing had happened. “I broke up with that one...” you tell your superficial friends, and then you continue “…she wasn’t right for me anyways, I didn’t even like her”. Your friends pat you on your shoulder, welcoming you into their world satisfied. But you know that this world is one of punks and you wanted to get out of it, but now... We’ll now you’re back to square one.
You go on a quest, you start contacting ex-girlfriends, searching for them on the internet; you wish to be with pretty much just anybody, anyone will do, just to replace her. But nothing works out and you start to feel very lonely. This is when you start to despair. You don’t want to admit how much you care for her and you don’t even wonder what made her leave you. Perhaps you were wrong. No, instead you become aggressive. When you call her or text her, it is only to insult her. You get even angrier when she ignores you, because you are not able to understand that nobody is forced to listen to your insults. Who do you think you are?
The next morning when you wake up and watch yourself in the mirror, you see yourself as ugly and small. Your messy, dirty hair falling on your forehead and you start feeling sorry for yourself. You’re really hurting… Where does this hurt come from and what was the reason for her to cause it? But you don’t ask yourself that. Instead you start building fantasies where she is already with someone else. Your logic is simple: "She’s very attractive, so there must be at least one dude that wants her and because she can’t stand being alone, she must have accepted him". Your jealousy is based on imagination because you’re limited to think that she would do exactly what you would if only you would have found someone to give you the smallest amount of attention. Do you not think about the possibility that maybe she isn’t like you? You are too proud to even think that maybe you were very wrong and instead you blame her for everything. She didn’t love you –that is your motto now– while you were a “perfect saint”. And even if you weren’t, you’re a man and you should be allowed to do anything and be forgiven everything. And because you think that way, you could never change; you don’t even consider doing the right things, because you don’t consider ever doing anything wrong in the first place. You think of yourself as almost perfect, therefore there is no problem in being accepted just the way you are now, so you conclude that she simply doesn’t love you, she’s not the one. It doesn’t even cross your mind that perhaps sometimes you weren’t loyal, you acted like a douche, and when she wanted you to hold her, you chose to sleep in a different bed…
Yet you won’t leave her alone, you start to adopt different tactics. Suddenly you become smooth and polite. You apologize for what was said, explaining that it was all said in anger and without much thinking. You tell her that you love her and that you know she feels the same. This is why you believe you should be together again as well as for the sake of the good moments you had. You don’t want to accept her decision to end the relationship and you go on and on about your feelings, trying to change her mind. This is how you lie to her now. Again you’re too proud or just plain stupid to just stop for a moment to ask yourself what was that you did wrong. Instead you go on and on about the same things, but when she tells you that she is very busy the next day and needs to get off the phone, you put an end to everything and hang up the phone with such anger as if you just made the decision not to contact her ever again. At this point you lost your pride, you act chaotic and you sometimes cry on the phone. And you cry, asking for forgiveness, telling her that it is your fault entirely. You didn’t know how to treat her, how to respect her, but if she were to give you another chance, everything is going to be different. You will make her feel like she is the only girl! How many chances do you want? What if she has already questioned if your tears are even real? But you don’t care about that, as long as it works. You know that crying moves people and you use it successfully. However, you start realizing that something isn’t right and that you can’t continue the same way in the future if you are going to be together again.
After a couple of months of hard work you manage to restore what is now only a miniature of the love she once had for you. To you, however, this love seems even better than the one before and you’re proud of yourself. You’re convinced that you regained her trust and you also think that you won her heart all over again. And with that thought, you go over with a bouquet of flowers. You expect her to just forget about everything and jump in your arms when she sees you. Sure, that would be nice. Instead she quietly opens the door, says hello. After she puts the flowers in a vase, she remains quiet.
She surprises you by seeming very sad. You ask her what’s wrong, she doesn’t answer. You finally realize that a while ago an entire temple has crushed down and over her soul and if you don’t want to lose her, it’s time to start rebuilding it.
You look into her eyes and you’re instantly petrified, locking inside yourself a storm that has just started in you. You wonder if and wish it wouldn’t be too late. You are terrified by the thought and you feel as if you have to try hard in order to not collapse. You sit on the couch and ripping tears start cutting your breath. You wish so badly for her to come sit beside you, wrap her arms around you and tell you that it’s not too late. But she doesn’t, she just stands relentlessly in the middle of the room staring suggestively at the door…

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