Tuesday, December 10, 2013

How do you keep yourself motivated?

Does it ever happen to be unsure of something, yet you still pursue or follow it, say maybe for the idea of it, without considering the turmoil ahead or be aware of the uncertainty in succeeding your pursuit? 
And then after some time passes by and you're somewhat closer to finishing what you started, you feel that you simply don’t want it anymore and the feeling becomes so strong it makes it seem as if you’re trapped and stuck with it now. Now it wants you! And while you were so busy creating strategies, it built a wall around you and there’s no fucking way out…

Friday, August 9, 2013

What if...

...she tells you she doesn't love you anymore?
Maybe for the first few seconds you don’t believe her and you start laughing, you think that she would never be brave enough to leave. But it happened, and now she wants to break-up.
You take a step back. “Very well”, you say, “…if you want to break up, we’ll break up.” And you continue: I am not even the guy for you, I was with you only to pass time"… lying to her and lying to yourself. At this point your only purpose is to attack her, without realising that if what you just said was actually true, it would mean that you’re the biggest idiot for wasting your time with someone you never even loved. And you suddenly leave, thinking that by doing so; you’ll break her into pieces. You turn around without looking back, just so you won’t have the picture of this moment painted on your mind.
You start going out there, wanting to look cheerful as if nothing had happened. “I broke up with that one...” you tell your superficial friends, and then you continue “…she wasn’t right for me anyways, I didn’t even like her”. Your friends pat you on your shoulder, welcoming you into their world satisfied. But you know that this world is one of punks and you wanted to get out of it, but now... We’ll now you’re back to square one.
You go on a quest, you start contacting ex-girlfriends, searching for them on the internet; you wish to be with pretty much just anybody, anyone will do, just to replace her. But nothing works out and you start to feel very lonely. This is when you start to despair. You don’t want to admit how much you care for her and you don’t even wonder what made her leave you. Perhaps you were wrong. No, instead you become aggressive. When you call her or text her, it is only to insult her. You get even angrier when she ignores you, because you are not able to understand that nobody is forced to listen to your insults. Who do you think you are?
The next morning when you wake up and watch yourself in the mirror, you see yourself as ugly and small. Your messy, dirty hair falling on your forehead and you start feeling sorry for yourself. You’re really hurting… Where does this hurt come from and what was the reason for her to cause it? But you don’t ask yourself that. Instead you start building fantasies where she is already with someone else. Your logic is simple: "She’s very attractive, so there must be at least one dude that wants her and because she can’t stand being alone, she must have accepted him". Your jealousy is based on imagination because you’re limited to think that she would do exactly what you would if only you would have found someone to give you the smallest amount of attention. Do you not think about the possibility that maybe she isn’t like you? You are too proud to even think that maybe you were very wrong and instead you blame her for everything. She didn’t love you –that is your motto now– while you were a “perfect saint”. And even if you weren’t, you’re a man and you should be allowed to do anything and be forgiven everything. And because you think that way, you could never change; you don’t even consider doing the right things, because you don’t consider ever doing anything wrong in the first place. You think of yourself as almost perfect, therefore there is no problem in being accepted just the way you are now, so you conclude that she simply doesn’t love you, she’s not the one. It doesn’t even cross your mind that perhaps sometimes you weren’t loyal, you acted like a douche, and when she wanted you to hold her, you chose to sleep in a different bed…
Yet you won’t leave her alone, you start to adopt different tactics. Suddenly you become smooth and polite. You apologize for what was said, explaining that it was all said in anger and without much thinking. You tell her that you love her and that you know she feels the same. This is why you believe you should be together again as well as for the sake of the good moments you had. You don’t want to accept her decision to end the relationship and you go on and on about your feelings, trying to change her mind. This is how you lie to her now. Again you’re too proud or just plain stupid to just stop for a moment to ask yourself what was that you did wrong. Instead you go on and on about the same things, but when she tells you that she is very busy the next day and needs to get off the phone, you put an end to everything and hang up the phone with such anger as if you just made the decision not to contact her ever again. At this point you lost your pride, you act chaotic and you sometimes cry on the phone. And you cry, asking for forgiveness, telling her that it is your fault entirely. You didn’t know how to treat her, how to respect her, but if she were to give you another chance, everything is going to be different. You will make her feel like she is the only girl! How many chances do you want? What if she has already questioned if your tears are even real? But you don’t care about that, as long as it works. You know that crying moves people and you use it successfully. However, you start realizing that something isn’t right and that you can’t continue the same way in the future if you are going to be together again.
After a couple of months of hard work you manage to restore what is now only a miniature of the love she once had for you. To you, however, this love seems even better than the one before and you’re proud of yourself. You’re convinced that you regained her trust and you also think that you won her heart all over again. And with that thought, you go over with a bouquet of flowers. You expect her to just forget about everything and jump in your arms when she sees you. Sure, that would be nice. Instead she quietly opens the door, says hello. After she puts the flowers in a vase, she remains quiet.
She surprises you by seeming very sad. You ask her what’s wrong, she doesn’t answer. You finally realize that a while ago an entire temple has crushed down and over her soul and if you don’t want to lose her, it’s time to start rebuilding it.
You look into her eyes and you’re instantly petrified, locking inside yourself a storm that has just started in you. You wonder if and wish it wouldn’t be too late. You are terrified by the thought and you feel as if you have to try hard in order to not collapse. You sit on the couch and ripping tears start cutting your breath. You wish so badly for her to come sit beside you, wrap her arms around you and tell you that it’s not too late. But she doesn’t, she just stands relentlessly in the middle of the room staring suggestively at the door…

Thursday, August 8, 2013

Life is in fact good!

Quit complaining about something and actually change it - if it can be changed or move the fuck on if it can't.

It so happens to be blind to good things even when they are right in front of your eyes, but you can always tell when a great thing is coming your way even if it's miles away.
No matter how hard the times you find yourself in are, life gives second chances. Just trust life on that.

Anger is okay, it burns the soul clean. However, hate causes problems and it has yet to be a solution to anything, ever. So (instead) give love another chance and after that give it another...

Happiness means commitment: commitment to making your dreams come true, commitment to making something work, commitment to be there for someone when they need it, etc etc. That is if you want to live happily, if not you're not welcome in my peer group. Get out!

Saturday, January 26, 2013

I never ask why because any question that starts with “why” is an useless one. That isn’t to say that I don’t know the answer. Because, you see, answers are not to be taken from words, but from actions. Balanced ≠unbalanced.

And it’s all the same… so much alike. Nothing seems to change.

Tuesday, August 21, 2012

Chapter V - It's time.


- Chloe! Will you come downstairs? Breakfast's ready!

- Yes, Sam. I'll be there in a second.

As Chloe was coming down the stairs, the feelings from the eve started to fade away.

- Good morning! she said as she walked around the table and sat on her usual chair.

- Where's my kiss? asked uncle Geoff.

Chloe laughed: I'll blow it to you from across the table.

      After the breakfast, aunt Samantha sent Chloe to Mrs. Clotier's house to get a few lemons and a bowl of raspberries for a cake that she was planning to bake that afternoon.
Chloe was carrying the bag of lemons over the arm and holding the bowl of raspberries in her hands as she was walking home. When she passed by Alain's house, she found herself on the ground, raspberries all over her cream-colored lace dress and one finger bleeding from a broken piece of the bowl.

- Mon Dieu! she heard a female voice from afar. It was Catherine, who was coming out of the house.

As she looked up she saw Alain, looking stunned in front of her:

- Are you okay? Let me help you!

Lost into her thoughts, Chloe didn't even see Alain in her way and she had bumped into to him, which caused her to lose her balance and fall on the ground. She looked at Catherine walking towards them, then looked at Alain and the words came out of her mouth...

- What are you doing here? Chloe shouted. What are you doing in my way?

Alain took her hand in his hand, while the feeling of rising tears hit Chloe. She pulled her hand and ran towards the house with Alain calling behind her to wait. The door hit the wall as she entered the house.

- What happened? Samantha came after her in the living room.

- My dress! Chloe shouted. My dress is ruined!

She didn't care at all about the dress, she was so very much in love with Alain, but she didn't want to admit it. To herself, yes. To anyone else, never!
Besides, what was the point, he was almost eight years older than her, he had a girlfriend and he was one of her uncle's lawyers.

       The road to the airport was sprinkled with bitter sweet sadness. Something new was settling in, it was time to change... Teddy bears for high heels, lace for leather, innocence for new beginnings.
Very early in the morning, Chloe left Paris for Seattle with her uncle Geoff to visit her grandparents.

Tuesday, January 3, 2012


Sometimes it is hard to see the lines we've drawn until we've crossed them. That's when we rely on the ones we love to pull us back and give us something to hold on to. Then there are the clearly marked lines. The ones that if you dare cross, you may never find your way back.


Tuesday, November 29, 2011

What did you learn about yourself in 2011?

Living on high level stress the past few weeks, I let myself be carried away by the thought of my winter vacation, which is fairly close. I want to do so many things: travel, go out, have Christmas dinners, party for New Year’s, shop, go snowboarding, etc. But all I really wish for is to do nothing, maybe just sit in front of the laptop or sleep, lol. I need a break, a psychical one, from all the shit I went through the last few months. Oh, nothing bad happened, it’s just the stress and constant worrying about due dates…

As we are getting closer to the ending of another year, I would like to know if you’ve learnt anything new about yourself in 2011. I feel like I’ve learnt a lot, with the help of other people as well as being in many different situations. Here’s a short list of some of the things I've learnt:

1. I am much better at handling crises than I previously thought I was.

If you manage to keep your calm and laugh at the situation, a solution will pop-up in your mind and it is usually the right one.

2. That I don’t have to know all the answers.

In any given situation, at your job or just life, you don’t have to know all the answers, and you can’t know them all for that matter, it’s just not possible. You just have to know how to find them.

3. That I don’t fear strangers.

I could say that I re-learnt this about myself. After all, some of my favorite people today were once strangers.

4. That I take more than I can handle.

I shouldn’t overwhelm myself with anything, just because I want to hurry up to finish something in a certain time. And I shouldn’t make myself available to people when they won’t do the same for me.

5. I like pretending.

I like pretending that I am someone else. Not in a social environment though, but rather on camera or in front of an audience. It is almost like playing and being a child again. Love, love it!

Is there at least one thing you've learnt about yourself this year?

Saturday, November 12, 2011

Dear John,

     It's Saturday and I don't love you anymore.
People change as time goes by, other people get in between, but I will love you til the day I die.
We use them to help us forget, we use them to be reminded how to fall, to shake the dust and try again, because we've learnt that after one follows another and that no matter how real it may seem, no pain is forever. Only time can tell if resentment will chase away the love.

Saw you that cold evening,I smiled back, wondering: what the fuck do we think we found here?

Wednesday, August 3, 2011


It is 2:45 AM here and I am insomniac. I don't feel tired, yet knowing that I will have to wake up in less than five hours makes me cringe, lol. If I go to sleep now I'm afraid that I won't hear the alarm in the morning... and tomorrow, in fact today is very important to me. Anyways, since I find myself in this unfortunate situation, lol and with really nothing better to do o.O I thought that updating my blog would be a good idea.

Since I don't have anything prepared for you as I wasn't really inspired to write anything lately (I'm reffering to the story I am writing here on the blog), I will update you with a few drawings that I made lately...

Trying to forget someone you love is like trying to remember someone you've never met.

In times like these...

You must be healed by now... on the outside at least... What a collection of scars you have. Don't forget who gave you the best of them... 
Our scars have the power to remind us that the past was real. 

Don't ask me for love again. I give up!

Failure is not the falling down, but the staying down.

In jur e pace nu-mi place
In suflet port un razboi!